While talking and laughing during early labor can be a great distraction for her, once active labor and especially transition begins, asking her questions or joking around during contractions can lead to her giving you the serious side eye. Once contractions become longer, stronger and closer together, they take more of her concentration. She may need to breathe deeply, moan, chant or sway, close her eyes and block out other distractions as she makes her way through these stronger contractions. Asking questions and general chit chat should be reserved for in between contractions.

We have all heard the story of the mom, sister, mother-in- law or best friend who had the easiest, quickest labor ever, and how awesome that was. For the mom in labor, that’s not the story she wants to hear. If you are a support person who has given birth before, one thing not to do is tell the laboring mom and every nurse, midwife or doctor that comes in the room how short and easy your labor was!  Continue to reassure her she’s doing great, and that sometimes, labor just takes time.

  It is very important that mom’s labor support team nourish themselves-you need energy! However, there may come a time where that garlic cheeseburger, pepperoni pizza or chicken burrito is most unwelcome in the room. The sense of smell may be increased in pregnancy, and even more so in that intense zone we like to call Labor Land! What smells okay one minute can make mom want to throw up the next. Take strong smelling food into the waiting room to eat. Pack non-smelly snacks such as protein bars or dried fruit for quick energy pick me ups that can be eaten in a corner of the room. Again, hiring a birth doula can help, as you can leave to get a quick bite to eat, and know that your doula will be right by mom’s side, and she won’t ever be alone. (And have plenty of breath mints on hand for afterwards!)

Labor is hard work, even for birth partners! Getting tired comes with the territory. Labor often seems to start in the middle of the night, which means little sleep before beginning the birth journey. As tired as you, complaining to someone in labor about it isn’t the wisest thing to do. Napping during early labor is an option. Often, partners are so excited they don’t want to sleep, but getting rest before things really get going is a good idea. Have a mom-approved family member or friend who can come and give you some respite if labor is long. Even better, hire a birth doula! Your doula can tuck you in on the hospital couch with a pillow and warm blanket, and she can keep laboring with Mom while you enjoy a well-deserved nap. You can sleep comfortably knowing your doula is there with your partner, and can awake refreshed and recharged, ready to be that awesome labor support person you are!

If your partner or family member is planning an unmedicated labor and birth, telling her repeatedly she should just get an epidural and be done with it, isn’t supportive and probably is not what she’s wanting to hear. If you have talked ahead of time about her birth preferences that do not include an epidural, and with the first contraction you start talking medical pain relief, she’s probably not going to be happy about the lack of support. Instead encourage her, let her know how well she’s doing. Start using labor coping techniques that you learned in your childbirth education classes or comfort measures workshops, and again, employ the use of a doula to help. Your doula can suggestion different positions for comfort, help with vocalizations, assist with counter pressure and touch techniques that can help soothe the discomforts of labor. Your birth doula is a cheat sheet for all the awesome things you studied and practiced before labor! If during the course of labor mom decides she does want an epidural or other form of pain relief, help her even more during that time. Sometimes the most difficult and intense time in labor can be the time between choosing an epidural and getting it. Work to keep her comfortable and calm and  assure her that an epidural is on the way!

Not everything needs to broadcast on Facebook or Instagram. Talk beforehand about photography during birth. She may want your doula or other support person to snap a few pictures of you both smiling during early labor, or she may want photos throughout the whole labor and birth, but make sure to clarify that when discussing your birth preferences. If she’s asking you to put the camera down, put it down. That picture you took when your gorgeous baby first came into the world, lying on her bare chest after 24 hours of labor may look beautiful to you, but she could be less than pleased to learn it’s now making the rounds of Facebook.